Figuring out how to manage money together can be an important part of a happy relationship, but it's a skill that doesn't always come naturally.
“When there is conflict or disagreement, it's usually not about the money itself, but rather about the meaning each person associates with money. There's always something deeper,” said Cohen Taylor, a licensed family and marriage therapist and behavioral wealth specialist at Wealth Enhancement Group.
Getting on the same page with your partner when it comes to finances usually requires a lot of communication and sometimes a little compromise. In some cases, this may include realizing that your perception of your partner's spending habits isn't entirely accurate.
Here are tips from financial experts on how to view money as an issue to bond over and not a source of stress.
Expect conflict
Before you get serious with your partner, ask them how they learned about finances as a child, Taylor suggested. “We all have childhood experiences or stress points in our lives that create these core beliefs around money,” she said. For example, if you are told to always save for a rainy day, you may feel very uncomfortable spending money unless there is an emergency.
Taylor said that since we're often attracted to people with opposite financial personalities to our own, it's important to understand those differences.
Laura J said: LaTourette, a certified financial planner and founder of Family Wealth Management Group, says anticipating conflict and being willing to overcome it together can be healthy. “If you veer toward conflict, it's not so scary when you get there,” she said, adding that healthy conflict management involves a lot of communication.
Set ground rules
Setting guidelines you both agree on — for example, any spending over $200 requires having a conversation first — can be helpful, Taylor said. Then, you can modify these guidelines as needs and circumstances change.
In blended families where children are involved, those financial discussions are especially important, said Mikael Van Cleave, a financial behavioral specialist who researches financial management within blended families at Texas Tech University.
“You need clear boundaries and rules so everyone knows their role within the blended family dynamic,” he said. For example, decide in advance how adults will share expenses related to the kids' car insurance, cell phone plans and college, which can get complicated.
Establish regular check-ins
“Most of the successful financial couples I've dealt with have established a repetitive rhythm of talking about money,” said Andrew Crowell, vice president of wealth management at financial services firm DA Davidson. This may mean a quarterly or monthly review, and include revisiting spending, savings goals and budgets.
These meetings can provide an opportunity to sync up on how to cut spending together or do something fun like setting a goal to save for a vacation, Crowell said. They can also provide a safe space to express concerns about credit card debt and similar topics. He suggested starting by sharing your feelings, such as “I'm worried about our finances,” rather than criticizing the other person's spending.
Exploring perceptions versus reality
Sometimes, couples misunderstand each other's financial behavior, according to Jamie Lynn Byram, a financial counselor who has a doctorate in financial planning and has conducted research on perceptions of spending and saving within marriage. She found that couples who view their partners as “savers” report higher financial satisfaction — but people's perceptions of their partners' spending and saving habits aren't always accurate, she says.
It can be helpful for partners to swap financial roles to get a greater understanding of what the other person is going through, Byram said. For example, it may appear that the person in charge of household expenses spends a lot, but that may only be because these items are expensive. By taking over all the household spending for a week, the other partner may become aware of those challenges.
Think about separate accounts and shared goals
Some couples find it easier to manage money together if they keep separate and joint accounts, Crowell said. He worked with a couple that included a husband who loved sports betting and a wife who preferred to avoid taking that type of risk. Creating a separate account for his sports betting, which was kept separate from their joint accounts, helped them remain happily married, Crowell said.
Returning to shared goals can also foster unity when it comes to financial decisions, according to Taylor. “Daydreaming about what you want your financial future to look like as a couple can give you something to anchor on during times of struggle,” she said.
Maybe you want to retire at 55 or eventually live in Australia – communicating about these goals can keep you both on the same path, even as you navigate around inevitable obstacles.
Palmer writes for the personal finance website NerdWallet. This article was distributed by The Associated Press.
